In the centuries before clickbait even existed, our local newspapers were already the source to deliver the strange, humorous, and downright unexpected headlines. If you take a deep-dive into the archives of Holland City News, the local newspaper that provided news for English-speaking residents in Holland, Michigan from 1872 to 1977, you’ll find a compilation of headlines that reveals stories anywhere from a monkey swimming in the lake, strawberry-loving dogs with expensive taste, a runaway oxen, and cautionary lessons about kicking things.
Here are some of the most delightfully “unhinged” headlines to appear in the Holland City News back in the day. We won’t go in chronological order, instead, let’s get off to a strong start.
June 29, 1872
Yes, you heard that correctly. A woman supposedly brought home an Esquimaux Dog, which today we would understand to be a Canadian Inuit Dog. Some dogs prefer to chew shoes, but this dog preferred that luxury home decor is the chewiest. This newspaper clipping reveals that the dog destroyed an astonishing $5,000 worth of lace curtains and other decor, a staggering amount of money for the time. But that isn’t where the story ends. This same canine reportedly survived on a diet consisting entirely of strawberries and jelly-cake (must have quite the sweet tooth).
August 10, 1872
Nothing says a summer day spent near the water quite like taking a swim… with your pet monkey. The news reported that a man, bathing in the lake, was doing so with his monkey. This surely would turn heads along the shoreline. While unusual animal companions aren’t uncommon today, a monkey casually joining its owner for a swim in the nineteenth century feels… well… unexpected.
August 10, 1871
Before we had the Ring Camera, establishments often had to rely on their employees to maintain security. But, when your security system’s biggest flaw is that they tend to hit snooze when business is slow, things tend not to go according to plan. This report details an attempted burglary that failed under circumstances almost comedic in nature.
June 1, 1872
It seems as if teachers have been competing with the great outdoors and all its distractions for generations. If a child sees a caterpillar on the windowsill or a hawk circling the playground from inside the classroom, they’re bound to divert their attention to that over a mathematics lesson. This local news clipping observed that fishing conditions for the particular summer was so exceptional that school-aged boys could scarcely focus on their lessons. And, rather than concentrating on arithmetic or algebra, these many students were apparently dreaming about their next big catch that awaited them after class. Some things never change.
May 18, 1900
This headlines sounds more like a tall tale than it does a newspaper report. And unfortunately, it did happen. This account details a local man who was pursued by a cow, then suffered a serious injury when the animal’s horn pierced through his mouth. It’s an unfortunate reminder that farm animals are not always cute and fuzzy, but unpredictable.
November 8, 1884
While this headline isn’t necessarily unhinged, it’s wildly specific. And it almost seems like whoever this man is and is selling his oxen should assuredly keep it… because he has some sort of endearment for it. This Grand Haven man describes his red oxen as “big,” “heavy,” “sound,” and “well broke.” At this point, it almost sounds like he should just keep the oxen.
August 2, 1884
Back then, newspapers once dispensed life advice with surprising confidence. This clipping appears in one of the “jottings” sections, where local citizens could often submit their own piece of news that doesn’t necessarily fit into traditional, “important” headlines. And perhaps this piece of advice comes directly from someone who might have been wronged… and wanted someone specific to know what’s up.
December 27, 1884
This statewide roundup of news contains an eclectic conglomeration of topics. It begins with an already intriguing case of a horse whose daily consumption is not just hay… but tobacco. And with no further explanation provided, readers were apparently expected to accept this as a noteworthy development; quite a feat. The column continued with the announcement of a new battery factory, then followed by a warning that wolves were becoming numerous. Then came the account of a man whose elder canary had reached an impressive age, and according to the paper, it still sang “like a young bird.” Is there a difference in sound between a young and old bird? Must be. The final item took a more serious turn, noting that an asylum had become so overcrowded that it could no longer accept new patients… should this be concerning?
October 16, 1875
It seems like a genuine concern back in the nineteenth century was none other than body-snatching, the act of digging up a buried person to use for research purposes. If this seems illegal, it wasn’t at the time. And to remedy a solution to the problem, concerned folks proposed that burying the dead alongside explosives would do the trick. The suggested choice of explosives? Either nitroglycerine or dynamite. The logic here was quite simple: if grave robbers attempted to dig up a body, the resulting explosion would assuredly discourage future attempts (hopefully). It’s a good thing this proposal didn’t go through or else visitors who came to place flowers on their loved ones' graves would have to worry about stepping in the wrong places.
July 10, 1875
This news clipping recounts the circumstances of a Confederate veteran (quite a pretentious topic to cover considering the end of the Civil War did not favor the South) who reportedly carried a bullet in his brain for over nine years after the war. It unexpectedly worked its way through his brain to the roof of his mouth and fell out. The bullet nor the man’s brain seemed worse for wear. And, rather than simply reporting the unusual case, the writer took the chance to mock sensational medical claims, joking that perhaps doctors might soon argue that a forcible insertion of lead into the brain was actually beneficial for one’s health. Or perhaps the writer was serious. Either way, that’s up to you to decide (although modern medicine would likely advise against lead in any form to exist in your body).
Sierra Ozolins is a West Michigan native, currently a student at Hope College. As an athlete, she is passionate about fitness—from running to weightlifting. With a interest for politics and lifestyle, she is intrigued how local culture, community, and everyday events shape the world around her—often with an iced coffee in hand and her dog by her side.
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